"My Sad Self" Allen Ginsberg

“My Sad Self”

Sometimes when my eyes are red

I go up on top of the RCA Building

      and gaze at my world, Manhattan—

                    my buildings, streets I’ve done feats in,

                          lofts, beds, coldwater flats

—on Fifth Ave below which I also bear in mind,

      its ant cars, little yellow taxis, men

              walking the size of specks of wool—

  Panorama of the bridges, sunrise over Brooklyn machine,

      sun go down over New Jersey where I was born

         & Paterson where I played with ants—

  my later loves on 15th Street,

      my greater loves of Lower East Side,

         my once fabulous amours in the Bronx   

                                    faraway—

  paths crossing in these hidden streets,

     my history summed up, my absences   

         and ecstasies in Harlem—

     —sun shining down on all I own

   in one eyeblink to the horizon

              in my last eternity—

                                 matter is water.

Sad,

     I take the elevator and go

         down, pondering,

and walk on the pavements staring into all man’s

                                       plateglass, faces,

         questioning after who loves,

     and stop, bemused

         in front of an automobile shopwindow

     standing lost in calm thought,

         traffic moving up & down 5th Avenue blocks behind me   

                  waiting for a moment when ...

Time to go home & cook supper & listen to

                  the romantic war news on the radio   

                                 ... all movement stops

& I walk in the timeless sadness of existence,   

     tenderness flowing thru the buildings,

         my fingertips touching reality’s face,

     my own face streaked with tears in the mirror   

         of some window—at dusk—

                                 where I have no desire—

     for bonbons—or to own the dresses or Japanese   

                  lampshades of intellection—

Confused by the spectacle around me,

      Man struggling up the street

                    with packages, newspapers,

                                       ties, beautiful suits   

                    toward his desire

      Man, woman, streaming over the pavements   

                    red lights clocking hurried watches &   

                        movements at the curb—

And all these streets leading

      so crosswise, honking, lengthily,

                        by avenues

      stalked by high buildings or crusted into slums

                        thru such halting traffic

                                       screaming cars and engines   

so painfully to this

      countryside, this graveyard

                    this stillness

                                       on deathbed or mountain   

      once seen

                        never regained or desired

                                       in the mind to come

where all Manhattan that I’ve seen must disappear.

New York, October 1958

Title:

“My Sad Self” has a depressing and self-pitying connotation at first glance. After reading the poem, one should note that this poem is about loneliness and societal sorrow. The speaker describes “his world” (New York), which is part of his being, therefore “My Sad Self” is referring to both this individual and society.

Paraphrase:

A man is looking down upon New York from the top of a building. He observes tiny people running around in a machine like fashion. He has grown up on these streets, with thousands of people, yet he feels sad and alone. As he goes down the elevator and leaves the building, he questions all men who walk these streets. He realizes that he is surrounded by men who forget about living, but instead immerse themselves in materialistic ideals and think solely of themselves. The speaker is devastated about the outcome of “his city” and compares it to a graveyard.

Connotation:

The speaker is looking upon “his city,” which seems to be part of his persona. Anaphora is used to indicate that New York is part of his own possession, for the word “my” is extremely repetitive when describing the city. He mentions that Brooklyn is a “machine” (9), indicating that he feels as if he lives among an infinite amount of robots that work for this machine. These people rush through the day, not appreciating his home-his own personality-and so he feels as if he is alienated. This loneliness is evident when the speaker says, “I walk in the timeless sadness of existence,” (37) meaning that this feeling is permanently in place.  He concludes his somber monologue with a goodbye. He realizes that New York is not the simple and loving world he grew up in, but instead has turned into a “graveyard” (60) with emotionless figures running around and sticking to their desired schedule. This is futher illustrated through the “horizon” symbol (see symbolism below).

Form: Free-verse, no specific pattern.

Point of View: The poem is told in first person, from the view point of a New Yorker. This individual has grown up in New York, and enjoyed his life. As years went by and society progressed, the speaker realizes that the city has turned into a monster, one in which he feels alone.

Symbolism: The speaker explicitly mentions a “horizon” that the sun will eventually set on. The closer the sun gets to this horizon, the closer the city gets to becoming completely transformed from the home that the speaker once grew up in. “Sun go down over New Jersey where I was born” (10) and “In one eyeblink to the horizon/in my last eternity” both indicate that this city use to be a place of solitude, yet as time moves on and society progresses, the initial sense of home and love is lost. Another symbol is that of death. “Graveyard” (60) and “deathbed” (62) are used to illustrate the result of this changing society. New york has turned into a place of forgotten dreams. This is further illustrated by the incorporation of materialism, for “Man struggling up the street/with packages, newspapers/ties, beautiful suits/toward his desire” (46-49). Materialism is used to indicate the progression of New York from one filled with sediment, to the complete opposite.

Imagery: “specks of wool” (8), “face streaked with tears” (40),

Personification: “stalked by high buildings” (56), “my fingertips touching reality’s face” (39)

Metaphors: New Yorks compared to a graveyard, deathbed

Diction: “I walk in the timeless sadness of existence” develops a depressing tone; “my absences and ecstasies in Harlem” illustrate the speakers love for New York; “lost in calm thought” indicating that he is only.

Attitude/tone/shifts:

The speaker holds a sense of melancholy due to his intense love for New York being destroyed by the newest generation. The first section of this poem from lines 1-22 illustrates this reverence toward his home town. It is in this phase where the speaker mentions New York by using “my” which indicates possession. The first shift happens in line 23, this is where the speaker mourns over the reality of society and his changed city. There is a hint of sarcasm in lines 34-35, “Time to go home and cook supper and listen to/the romantic war news on the radio.” The next shift occurs in line 45, where the speaker is finally aware of his loneliness in the world. At first he is confused by the sudden change in society, but by the end of the poem he accepts it and puts his previous New Yorker life in the graveyard.

Theme:

If you love something strong enough, there are times when you must let it go. This applies to “My Sad Self” because in order for the speaker to move on and accept the changes in society, he must let go of the old New York, because it will never go back to the way it use to be.